I went running with Ollie this morning after breakfast. It's that time of year, now, when running before breakfast would mean starting in the dark. The leaves are off the trees and some mornings the grass is frozen and the puddles in the roads on campus are white with ice. But it wasn't that cold today, and though the day dawned cloudy, the sky turned brilliant blue and gold later on.
We ran without speaking much, but afterwards, as we were stretching in the Green Room, I told him about my conversation with Charlie and my new assignment to list what I need to learn and do before I earn my green ring.
"I don't understand," I said. "I have no idea what I have to do, why should I? I've never been a master."
"I haven't either," Ollie pointed out.
"Yeah, but you're getting your ring this Brigid. You're further along in the process."
"Ok, try this; why do you think this coming year should be your last? Are you eager to be gone?"
"No," I said. "I want my ring because I want to stay. It just feels like it's getting to be time."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do. This is not the first feeling like this you've had. How does it feel? Where does the feeling come from? Think! Reflect!"
He had a point. I've been learning how to answer such questions for years, now.
"I'm different that I was when I started the process. I'm on the other side of something, now. And I'm getting restless with what I'm doing, so maybe it's time to do something else. Also, my workshops are well-attended, I get good reviews, and I offer workshops in subjects nobody else does--I have something unique to give, now. And Steve Bees is making progress. I'm able to help him. I feel like I fit in better with the masters than with the students, so maybe I'm close to being one of them."
"Ok, so, why aren't you getting your green ring with me at Brigid?"
"No one's suggesting I should," I said.
"I just did. Boom, magic spell, you're getting your ring this year. What's your reaction?"
"No!"
"Why?"
"I--"
"Daniel!"
"I don't feel ready. I feel scared thinking about it. I worry that there's something missing, something I don't know about, yet."
"Well, there you go."
"Yes, here I am. Here I am not knowing what I need to do to get my green ring."
"Exactly. Rephrase that. What's the one thing you don't know yet about being a master?"
"How to make another master."
"Now, why was that so hard?"
"It wasn't, but that leaves me back where I started, in need of information only the masters can give me."
"I'm not so sure," said Ollie. "You're a part of this community, you know what it needs in terms of leadership. Would you hire yourself right now? If not, why not?"
I thought about this. It's an odd paradox that as self-conscious as I am most of the time, I'm still not very good at thinking about myself from the outside. How would I rate a prospective school employee with skills such as mine? I was tempted to tell Ollie I'd get back to him, but that's what I'd told Charlie, and I was ostensibly having this conversation with Ollie in order to come with an answer I could get back to Charlie with. I stared at my sock, mid-hurdler's stretch, for a while trying to put off coming up with something.
"What about you?" I asked. Yes, I was stalling. "How did you know you're ready?"
Ollie laughed at me and released the stretch he'd been holding.
"I'm different," he said. "My real reason for coming back was to become a better therapist, to integrate love into my professional practice in a way that isn't exactly encouraged in secular training--and isn't limited to Biblical framing, either. I know when I'm loving and when I'm not, so I know I'e met my goal. My clients say I'm helping them. Allen says he's taught me what he can, so that means it's time to move on. But you, you want to teach here. That's a whole other kettle of wax."
Yes, he said kettle of wax.
"You don't?"
"Come on, I'm a Baptist preacher. There's no way there's a place among the Six for me."
"How do you expect to get your ring, then?" I asked. Remember, to become a master, you have to pass a job interview. You won't be hired if there isn't an opening, which obviously there usually isn't, but you have to be, in principle, qualified to teach here. So if Ollie was sure he couldn't,...?
"That's what I have to figure out between now and Brigid."
"I need to know more about how this community works," I decided. "How it actually runs. I need to identify one or more areas of mastery where I can accept mastery candidates and outline a basic teaching approach--not that I won't have to alter my plans every single time! I need to develop teaching plans for one or more of the required courses. I need to get a sense of what my role in non-academic areas might be." Hearing myself talk this way, about actually being a master, made my insides go all fluttery. "And I need to talk to the other members of the candidates groups and with the novices who know me to find out if anybody thinks I'm missing something in terms of skill or character."
"Sounds like you've got it," said Ollie, clapped me on the shoulder, and went into the Great Hall and up the stairs, on his way to shower. He left me standing in the Green room by myself.
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