So, Hawk is a woman.
I forget if I've mentioned Hawk before. If I did, I would have called him a man, because that's what we all thought she was, but now he....I'm getting tangled up in pronouns. I know I'm supposed to use female pronouns, both now and to refer to the past, in order to reflect who she really is, but we haven't been seeing who she really is, and what we have been seeing--and the effort of seeing what we're seeing and trying to persuade our eyes to see something else, now that we know better, deserves description, too. As a writer, as a chronicler, perhaps, I feel torn. Whose reality do I portray?
I've never seen this sort of transformation before. I've only known Eddie and Security Joe as men, and I knew Security Joe for months before learning that he'd ever presented himself any other way. I'm not sure what to make of it, what I'm supposed to think and feel, what it's ok to say and to not say. I don't know Hawk very well.
She doesn't actually look any different, not in any obvious way. If she's taking hormones, they haven't had any effect, yet, and most of the time I see her in uniform, and the uniforms are the same regardless of gender. And yet there is a subtle shift. She's more relaxed. She smiles more, I think.
I saw her the other day, flying a kite on the Flat Field, standing out there in the wind, body braced against the tugging on the line--the kite was very big. I walked over and said hello. For once she wasn't in uniform, though I was. She was wearing a white turtleneck sweater over white women's slacks, and she looked, I swear this is true, like an Eddie Bauer ad. She's thin, with an oval face and ash-blonde hair cut in a sort of androgynous...pixie, I think the word is. Somehow, dressed that way, flying the kite, she looked taller, bigger than she normally does. I couldn't put my finger on it.
"Is Chloe having an off-day?" I asked. Chloe is the name of Hawk's hawk. Hawk is a falconer and is training a young goshawk who lives in the barn--as does Hawk, much of the time, the human/animal bond being important to maintain. Hawk who trains the hawk also lives in Hawk Dorm. Birds everywhere.
"Chloe's fine," she told me, "but fed-up at the moment, and the wind is a bit strong today."
Fed-up, I knew, meant sated and therefore unwilling to perform for food rewards.
"That took courage, your announcement, the other day," I said.
She had stood up in the Dining Hall and said "I'm not sure how else to put this, so, newsflash, I'm a woman. And if you want to know how that works, Google is your friend, because I don't want to talk about it." And sat back down.
"Thanks," she told me.
"Anybody give you any problems?"
"No, everybody's been really welcoming. Of course, I haven't been off-campus dressed as a woman, yet. Kit's taking me on Saturday. We're going shopping. I'll probably end up looking like a glam witch, with her influence, but it's a start."
"How long have you known," I asked. "Forever, or...?"
"I told you I didn't want to talk about it."
"Sorry."
The wind became unstable, choppy, and she fought for a few seconds to keep her kite aloft.
"I suppose I'll have to have sex with Eddie, now," she said, a faint resignation in her voice.
"What? Why?"
"All women on campus do, don't they?"
"I don't think all of them do, just most. You can tell him no, you know."
"Oh, I know, I'm just thinking it might be one of those things, you know, like wearing make-up or high heels, that just comes with the territory."
"Aren't you gay, though?"
"Hey, yeah, I am. I'm not used to saying that....I'm gay. A lesbian. Yup, that's me. But I suppose I'll at least consider it, if he asks. I mean, if I'm going to try out men, I could do worse, you know?"
"I think sex is supposed to be more than 'could be worse,'" I said, feeling a bit defensive of masculinity in general. "But I've had similar thoughts about Rick. But I'm married and anyway he won't ask."
Did I really say that? Yes, yes I did, because Hawk laughed.
"Speaking of which," I added, quietly, "here comes Eddie."
I knew because I'd heard his dog start howling a few minutes earlier, meaning he'd just left the barn. Then I'd heard a squirrel scold in the Formal Garden, which could have meant an animal, but that squirrel doesn't like Eddie since he often has a dog with him and sometimes idly throws rocks and sticks. Finally, I'd heard a splash in the fountain in the garden in front of the Mansion--a habit I knew Eddie has whenever he walks by it. But Hawk had noticed none of those things, and seemed rather startled by my announcement, especially when I turned out to be right.
"Eddie, what's wrong?" exclaimed Hawk, because he, too, was out of uniform, and his bare arms were purple with fresh bruises. He had straw clinging to his clothing and hair.
"Bit of a disagreement with my dog," he said, dismissively. "I came looking for you, Hawk. I thought Chloe might have been frightened by the noise. She might need you."
"Oh, Jesus. Thank you. I'll go check on her." And she began reeling in her kite.
"I'd thought you might have come to flirt with the new girl," I said. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Hawk crack up with embarrassed laughter, as intended.
"Not yet," Eddie explained, in mock-indignant protest. "I figured I'd give her at least a few days to get used to things."
Hawk, still laughing and shaking her head, had her kite collected.
"You just wain until we run into Rick," she told me.
"Why Rick?" asked Eddie, as we turned back towards the barns.
"Long story," I told him.
"Eddie, how did you learn to dress?" Hawk asked.
"You'd have to asked my parents."
"No, I mean, how'd you learn to dress like a guy?"
"I looked at other men and copied what looked good on them. Also, I watched a lot of old movies. I think it's easier for guys, though. Our clothes are simpler. And, frankly it's easier with hormones. For me, anyway. There were people who refused to see me as anything but a chick no matter how well I dressed."
"That's kind of what I'm afraid of," Hawk admitted. "I don't want to dress like a...caricature of a woman. I want to be able to wear jeans and a sweatshirt if I want to, but I also want to look--and feel--feminine. I wish I had an older sister to help me out with all this. I feel like I have this whole new adolescence to get through all by yourself."
"You're not by yourself," Eddie assured her. "And not like the opinion of a dude should make a whole lot of difference, but you look good today." When Hawk giggled again and looked away, he added "I'm not hitting on you! I'm not actually like that."
I dropped back a pace and watched them talk. Again, I noticed Hawk's height. She didn't look any bigger than she is, I realized--she's a tall woman, but not oddly so. She's shorter than I am. I think I must have been seeing her as smaller than she really is before, and now I can see her more clearly. Or perhaps I was seeing something else and only interpreting it as smallness. She could draw the eye without taking up space.
I guess it was her womanhood I was seeing. I could see her the whole time, I just didn't know it.
No comments:
Post a Comment